Writing by Haylee Penfold // artwork by Kamilla Varga
Finding empowerment in a sex toy was one of the biggest learning curves of my 2020. Previously, sex for me was something of a touchy topic – mind the pun. Whether it be my personal trauma that comes with it or the chronic pain of endometriosis, sex was either something I rarely craved or wanted nothing to do with at all.
Sex was not something I felt ashamed of but my own pleasure wasn’t at the forefront of my priorities. And it’s not like the sex was ever bad – it was wonderful at times and I relished in the intimate moments with my partner, however, I struggled with penetration because it was sometimes too painful or I just couldn’t reach orgasm – like I thought many women could from penetration. It wasn’t until my current partner that I realised not being able to orgasm from penetration alone is in fact completely normal and with his encouragement I started the quest for my own self pleasure.
As my curiosity grew, I came upon a sex toy website and was overwhelmed with the range of different shapes and sizes of products. I decided to start small with a bullet. She was cute, could be mistaken for a lipstick at first glance and I liked that for my first rodeo.
I first tried her on my own and was pleasantly surprised but there was no earth-shattering orgasm like I had read about in the reviews. Then, my partner and I tried together and that was where things got… troublesome. In the heat of the moment between thrusts my tiny lipstick replica had found itself inside me… way up there and suddenly I could feel my whole lower abdomen vibrating. Moments of panic that felt like hours ensued as the retrieval mission inside me began. After a successful expedition, we both lay side by side laughing and agreed to try something different.
So back on the web I went to find something a little less likely to be lost inside me. I come across a wand that was so pretty and pink that it went into my cart straightaway. When it arrived, I was way too excited and had to give it a go while I had the house to myself. For the first time, I was in charge of my own pleasure and honestly, I was so lost, I knew where to place my focus but had never really taken the time to even know what my own vulva looked like. It was like losing my virginity all over again but to myself. I had no one else to get lost in. I took self-discovery to a whole new level on my unmade bed and my pretty pink wand was quite the helpful assistant.
The following months were filled with so many lessons about my own pleasure. I took the time to figure out what really felt good for me and talked about it with my partner. I tried new things in the comfort of my own company and discovered ways to find pleasure without pain. Sex become something I looked forward to and become passionate about again. Penetration can be too painful for me at times because of my endo, so my partner and I redefined what we do when we have sex (hint it doesn’t always have to be penetration). Our hetero-normative society’s obsession with penetrative sex as the only ‘real’ form of sex is very dismissive of people who can’t come from penetration and also who enjoy other types of sex.
Through this exploration, I found confidence and liberation in sex and felt like I understood my body more. I was vulnerable and empowered and become thankful for the pink wand and the mistakes of the lipstick bullet that got me to the confident and sexually liberated place I am now.
By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to explore their pleasure and sexuality in a way that goes beyond the restrictive sex we’ve been sold as normal by the mainstream media. Your pleasure matters and it’s worth your exploration.
