Writing by Justine Vallata
Have you ever been gifted a sex toy? I have. Many times.
I’ll never forget the first vibrator I was gifted. It was my 18th birthday and my parents had thrown a house party for me. You know, one of those old school house parties. Everyone had just started really drinking and really going out. It was one of those parties where people would have at least six Vodka Cruises or half a bottle of Passion Pop and be ready to hook-up or pass out.
The doorbell rang. When I opened the door my friend Nick threw a parcel into my arms and said, “don’t open this in front of your mum and dad, hide it and open it later”. I ran upstairs to my room, hid the gift under my bed, and returned to the party.
Later in the night as things wound down, I sat chatting with my family, a few girlfriends and some of the metal head boys we hung out with. My friend Lauren was dating one of the metal boys and I had a sizable crush on another. Lauren spoke up, “hey Justine, what about that present upstairs?”
I blushed.
In the spirit of the party (and in the spirit of the six Cruises I had drunk), I ran to my room and retrieved the gift. My mum heckled with encouragement upon my return. “Open it Jus! I’m sure it’s nothing dad and I haven’t seen before”.
I blushed.
I nervously tore through the wrapping and there it was, my first sex toy. Generously gifted in all its glory, a fluorescent red vibrator. It measured about 20 cm and had a gooey rubber texture. The shaft had exaggerated veins and at the base, just below the disproportionally sized testicle bulge, there was a black control to turn the vibrator on and adjust the speed. Hellooo Big Red.
Laughter filled the room as we all passed the vibrator around. My mum killing herself with laughter as she held the toy. My dad, rolling his eyes with a smirk on his face. My friends joking about me using this “big boy”.
While we had a laugh and it was all in ‘good fun’, this experience also felt embarrassing, shameful, and as if in some way, gifting a vibrator could only ever be a joke. The friend who gave the gift had intended it as a gag and the people I unwrapped the present with only enhanced the humour of the situation.
Almost 20 years on, my good friend Nick will still mention “that big red vibrator” with a cheeky boyish laugh. I always giggle back because it was funny. But something else happened when I received Big Red that wasn’t funny.
An awakening.
Weeks passed and I didn’t touch Big Red. The shame from the opening experience stuck with me and turned me off the idea of using the toy. Then one night instead of using my finger, I took Big Red out of its box. I pulled two AAA batteries from my TV remote and turned the black switch at the base. Big Red was alive and began to vibrate.
What came next, was me – obviously. But also, a period of the most intense orgasms and self-exploration I had experienced at that time in my life. This ‘joke of a gift’ paved the way for me to discover my preferences and to understand my body in a whole new way. I felt confident with my sexuality in a way that before Big Red, I never had.
While I was having the best orgasms of my 18 years of life. Something else was also happening and it’s only looking back that I understand what it was.
Embarrassment.
My girlfriends and the cute metal head boy who were there when I opened the gift would often tease me about Big Red. Asking only in jest if I had used my toy. I felt totally unable to answer with the truth. As much as I wanted to say “yes, I use it almost every night, and climax over and over again!” I always answered back with sarcastic denial and an “as if” followed by an eye roll.
Why did a perfectly pleasurable gift have to be such a joke?
Why was society making me feel embarrassed about something so normal and healthy?
Sure, this story goes back 20 years. There has been so much progress since to remove the stigma around sex toys, self-pleasure and in particular female pleasure. But where do we stand with gifting sex toys?
As someone who has continued to receive sex toy gifts from friends, lovers and partners, what I know is that the options are still problematic. You have sexy and kinky collections, and you have joke options. But pleasure gifting is not so black and white. There is a myriad of vibrating gifting occasions and sentiments that don’t fit into the sexy or just for laughs columns.
Should I formally credit my friend Nick and all those who were present at Big Red’s opening on my 18th birthday as the inspiration behind That’s The Spot? It seems too generous. But it’s also plausible that this experience helped shape me into the woman I am today. A woman who would find herself so comfortable with her pleasure journey that she would start a business to shift the method and mindset of how we gift vibrators.
In 2023, I went live with That’s The Spot – a zesty and vibrant online gifting space that offers recipient centric vibrating hampers that can be gifted in the same way you might have traditionally gifted flowers or food.
Friends should be able to gift their friends pleasure devices that are fun and approachable to open. Sure, some giggles and a thrill during the opening experience is fab – who doesn’t love a laugh? But a sex toy should never carry shame, embarrassment, or stigma. It’s a spectacular gift that should have the recipient’s experience in mind. Gifting a sex toy can lead to an exploration of sexuality and self-understanding that otherwise may have never occurred. It’ also a top way to pop a smile on someone’s face and make their day.
Partners should be able to gift pleasure tools to each other that don’t always imply that “it’s time to get down and dirty”. A curated and thoughtful present, that has the receiver, and their pleasure needs in mind is a powerful and evolved form of intimacy.
That’s The Spot offers a dedicated gifting space unlike any other, where gift givers and recipients are empowered to experience gifted pleasure in a positive and shame-free way. Stories like that of my 18th Birthday can thankfully be just an anecdote from the past.
So what ever happened to Big Red? I’m glad you asked! My lack of knowledge around cleaning toys was Big Red’s downfall. It was a sticky, dusty, disgusting sad mess of a plastic after about 12 months of use. Also, the switch at the base came loose and it became difficult to get those great vibrations going. RIP Big Red. You are fondly remembered.
