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My Mum Wishes She Didn’t Have Kids

Writing by Xani Kolac // artwork by Meg Kolac

When I was a teenager, I asked Mum what she’d do differently if she had her time again. And she was honest. She told me she wouldn’t have children.

Gasp.

Meanwhile, I was writing letters to my unborn daughter telling her all my woes, sharing all my stories of youth, and imagining how proud I was going to be having such a special relationship with my daughter. In one letter, I even promised not to get angry if she lied and said she was going to a friend’s house for a sleepover when in actual fact she was hanging out with her new boyfriend. Hypothetically. I had three ridiculous names picked out for my three imaginary children because that’s just how the world works. You go to school, get a job, find a partner, and have kids.

For the record, my Mum loves my sister and I to absolute bits, which she tells us constantly. And she is the best Mum a daughter could hope for. So why would she not want to have us? She has many reasons which she explained to me in that moment. Her honesty was like an injection of freedom and relief realising that I didn’t have to go down that path if I didn’t want to. And that sometimes, we make choices that we have to live with for better or worse. But that you can still make the most of them. It was a lot of lessons all in one.

I’m older now. I’ve finished school, got a job, got a career, and I’ve got a husband. But I made the decision over a decade ago not to have children.

Back when I was 25, I was out with friends and someone asked me when I was going to have kids. I was with my boyfriend at the time who was standing right next to me. And yet, I copped the question. “I’m not having children”, I said. My friend kept asking me why not, while getting angry and aggressive, saying that my reasons were stupid, nonsensical. I was bemused. It was awkward.

Another friend asked me a few years later to meet her for a coffee. She started with “I just want you to know that you can have children and have a career in music, you know? I’ve done it, so can you. You really can have it all.”  But I don’t want it all. I can’t have it all. I don’t need it all. What would I do with it all? Having it all means that there is a massive imbalance in the world. In order for me to have it all, there’s a whole chain reaction that goes off where someone is getting a lot less. The neoliberal feminist mantra of having it all is capitalism in action.

I have my reasons for choosing not to have kids. They’re not popular to talk about. Bring up consumerism and privilege and climate change with people who have children and you’re guaranteed to cause a scene. But I find that I’m always having to defend myself. Or, if I am given some airtime, people are quick to tick off my reasons like a checklist: “No, I don’t agree with that one.”

It’s a privilege to have children. And it’s a privilege to choose not to. But right now, we are in a time of Roe v. Wade being overturned, and a time when pregnant people are made invisible, and a time when different bodies are scrutinised and vilified. So when, why, and how people choose to use their uteruses is just none of your business.

I hope that one day we can open up this discussion on all sides. But for now, I can rest easy knowing how happy my Mum is to not have any grandchildren. For now.

Dear Daughter by Xani is out now

Meg Kolac

I am Meg Kolac, a Melbourne-based illustrator, designer and lover of all things bold, lively and radiating humanity.
Those I work with know me for the sense of energy, joy and vibrancy I weave through the heart of my designs. With styles ranging from bold and punchy to elegant, sophisticated and tear-jerkingly sweet, the one thing that unites my diverse body of work is its cracking sense of energy; I create artworks that radiate life into daily moments, capturing the essence and emotion of everything that makes us human.
Iʼve always loved illustration. In fact, itʼs most definitely a love that chose me. As much a tool of release as it is career choice, I relish the opportunity to pour pure, delirious, melancholic joy into my work to invigorate peopleʼs experience of art.
A dreamy thinker and messy do-er, Iʼm a pom-pom-toting champion for all things beautiful and humbly human.
Website here

Xani Kolac

Awarded Best Musician at the 2022 Music Victoria Awards, Naarm-based violinist and songwriter Xani approaches music making from such diverse musical experiences, that the outcome is something distinct, venturing into the spaces between rock, jazz, electronic, folk and dance/pop.
Xani has collaborated with the likes of Jens Lekman, Jess Hitchcock, Tim Rogers, Paul Grabowsky, Andrea Keller, Eddie Perfect, as well as in live theatre at Melbourne Theatre Company. As a solo artist, Xani is passionated about pushing boundaries of violin playing in contemporary music spaces.
Improvised live sets are defined by electronic effect pedals and live looping driven with fearless finesse, coloured by the ferocity of her instrumental output and shaded by deep creativity, an earnest voice and pure joy.
Xani was selected to showcase at Classical:NEXT in Berlin in 2024 and has performed on ABCs Spicks and Specks and SBSs RocKwiz.
Checkout Xani’s website here.

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