Words by Justine Vallata
I’m a mum, and guess what? I masturbate just as much as the next gal (or guy, for that matter).
I love it. It’s quick, it’s easy and it gets the job done. I never have to perform, I’m less stressed when I do it regularly, I feel great afterwards and best of all, I’m all by myself (for once!).
I’m aware this all might sound vanilla; but between 100 loads of washing each week, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, playing LEGO, voicing Lightening McQueen and other Disney Cars characters, singing the Paw Patrol theme song, making beds, picking up toys, going to the park, running my own business, being a loving partner, being a supportive sister, checking in with friends, checking in with family, seeing friends, seeing family, researching schools, planning birthday gifts, attending parties, going to swimming lessons, arranging haircuts, reminding everyone where they need to be and what they need to bring and juggling childcare arrangements *takes deep breathe* – masturbation is one of the few things I do on my own, for me.
I like to think my husband and I have a life filled with intimacy, but nothing beats heading to bed early and settling in for a self-love session – ALONE! Whatever occurred that day drifts away as I switch my brain off and my vibrator on. The mental load is lifted, and I allow myself to melt into some of the very best orgasms of my life.
Speaking with friends, I know I’m not alone in this love affair I have with masturbation.
Almost all my mum friends admit to using masturbation for stress relief. Almost all my mum friends admit they enjoy self-pleasure more than sex with their partner (mostly since becoming a mum – ouch, the truth hurts). And almost all my mum friends turned to self-pleasure postpartum before engaging in partnered sex again.
Mothers are often physically and mentally exhausted (yes, the metal load is not just a buzzword, it’s REAL), we’re touched out and we often experience far less opportunities for self-care rituals compared to our pre-parenthood selves (this goes for Dads too – but that’s a topic for another day). Masturbation offers a low output, time efficient form of endorphin releasing self-care that’s accessible and can be done by one’s self in the comfort of one’s own home.
In addition to this, there’s an affordability aspect that in the midst of a cost of living crisis, I believe appeals greatly to any person running a household. I’m a vibrator type gal (because after a day of nothing but labour, I want things to be as labourless as possible – judge me, call me lazy – I don’t really care, I’m getting off in less than 30 seconds, multiple times in a row, what about you?) and a sex toy these days is a lot more affordable than pick-me-up fashion buys, gym classes or spa treatments. Let’s also not forget that we have hands and fingers that can tickle our tingly spots at no cost whatsoever – don’t ever underestimate the power of your own digits down there!
Social media would have us believe there is no hotter topic right now than sexual wellness. Specifically, pleasure for vulva owners. However, so much of the buzz (pun always intended), around sex toys and masturbation is focused on the young, the hot and the seemingly sexually adventurous members of society. These messages are empowering and sassy, and I’m not saying “no” to them, I mean, some of these goddesses probably are parents.
But, what about everyday mums?
Messaging around ‘sexual wellness’ for mums all seems to be focused on increasing intimacy with our partners, reigniting our sex lives and “bouncing back” to intercourse after birth (because sex is a top priority when you have a baby hanging off your breast 24 hours a day).
Why does a mum’s pleasure journey have to involve others? We literally spend every waking moment thinking about other people and doing things for them. Where is the sassy empowering self-love message for mums? You know, something that’s deeper and more real than facials, manicures and treating yourself to a #guiltfree brownie at babycino dates (kill me now).
As comfortably as we discuss, joke and generate memes about mums turning to alcohol to take the edge of a day, we should be encouraging mums to proudly own their self-care rituals – such as meditation, movement and yes, you probably guessed it by now, masturbation. Surely it’s a healthier alternative.
I’m a mum and I masturbate.
I’m not a sex goddess and I’m not a chains and whips excite me gal either. I’m just a woman who, yes, has reproduced, but also enjoys self-pleasure and the many benefits it brings. I love the efficiency of sex toys and most of all, I welcome, with open legs those rare moments where I am completely alone. And I invite you to welcome these moments for yourself as well.
