Interview with Jane Gilmore by Freya Bennett // Photo by sadboytom
Talking to kids about consent, respect, and online safety can feel overwhelming, but it’s more important than ever. In It Takes a Village to Teach Your Children About Consent, Jane Gilmore draws on research, interviews, and real-world experience to show how adults can have these conversations with confidence, compassion, and clarity.
Your book addresses conversations about consent with children of all ages. What do you see as the biggest barrier adults face when trying to start these conversations at home?
There’s not structural support to help adults know when to start talking to kids about consent, sex, gender, online safety, porn, misogyny, racism, homophobia, and any of the other issues that are so closely related to sexual consent. Most of us never had anything like consent education when we were at school. If we were lucky we had the condom on the banana lessons and some very basic mechanics of heterosexual sex. That’s a very different conversation to what parents and families need to have now. the online world has fundamentally changed conversations about consent and so many of the safe adults in kid’s lives are scared about saying something too early or too graphicly or too much, so they don’t say anything at all. Which leaves kids having to learn about sex, consent, porn and safety from each other or from online spaces – sometimes not very trustworthy ones.
How has the introduction of mandatory consent and respectful relationships education in Australian schools changed the role of parents and carers in supporting these lessons?
In some ways mandatory consent and respectful relationships education takes the pressure off parents and families. They know their kids are getting the information they need at school so they can try to bounce conversations off the classroom lessons but that puts an enormous burden on teachers and most of them don’t have the background, training or resources to cover such a complex subject. This is not at all to disparage teachers – they are already trying to do too much with not enough – but many of them wouldn’t have studied anything about consent when they were at uni and there is just not enough training happening ahead of the mandatory roll out. Teachers are just expected to work it out – the same way parents are just expected to work it out. Sex, gender, porn, online safety, violence, relationships, these are really complex topics, especially when you’re trying to teach a class of 26 teens when you know some of them have probably already experienced violence, maybe even at the hands of other kids in that class. There will also be students in the class who have (and don’t want) any sexual experience. Some will have neurodiverse conditions. Some will be of diverse sexualities and genders. Some might have terrible attitudes to women, ethnic minorities or LGBTIQA+ communities. Managing all of that, keeping everyone safe and making sure everyone understands the lessons is not an easy task. Doing it without support, resources, and extensive training is all but impossible.
Many parents worry about topics like online grooming, pornography, and the “manosphere.” How can adults approach these conversations without feeling overwhelmed or unprepared?
No one needs to know every nuance and detail of the manosphere or pornography to talk to children and teens about staying safe online. You don’t need to read every book they read or listen to every song they sing, and you don’t need to see every TikTok they watch. The key is to be able to talk about what they think and how they feel, regardless of the topic. We know the people most vulnerable to harmful online influences are isolated, vulnerable and lonely teens. This is where the African proverb, it takes a village to raise a child comes into its own. If parents are worried about their kids and can’t get a conversation going, call on the village. Try to find a coach, an aunt, a grandad, a family friend, a teacher, or any other safe adult in their life who can have that conversation and maybe make it easier to start some of those conversations with parents as well. It terribly unfair and damaging for everyone if we expect that only parents can do this work and that they have to do it on their own
You draw on interviews with children, teens, teachers, and parents. Were there any insights from these interviews that surprised you or challenged common assumptions about consent education?
I wasn’t expecting to see teens, especially older teens, being so attached to their families and parents. I think I bought into the lie that teens really mean it when they roll their eyes every time their parents speak. They don’t. I was so surprised when I asked a 15 year old boy who his hero was and he said, ‘my dad’. I got to tell his dad that he said that and the dad burst into tears. He had no idea how much he mattered to his son. So many parents and teachers I talked to thought (as I did) that kids wouldn’t be interested in what they had to say but the kids themselves were crying out for adult intervention. They didn’t always know how to react well to it, but they very much wanted to have someone tell them how to have relationships and help them learn how to be an adult in the world.
How can adults tell the difference between normal adolescent experimentation and behaviour that might be abusive, whether their child is at risk or potentially harming others?
There may not always be a clear distinction between normal experimentation and harmful or abusive behaviour. People and relationships are complex, especially when they’re young and still learning how to manage strong emotions and difficult concepts. The two main things I would look for would be whether the behaviour is becoming compulsive – can they stop texting their new partner so they can eat or watch something or have a conversation with someone else, can they leave their device behind and concentrate at school or sport, can they talk about anything else with interest and enthusiasm? The second thing I’d look for is shame. Any behaviour that feels shameful and needs to be kept secret from people they love and respect is likely to be harming them. Just the hiding and secret keeping itself does harm, let alone the shame they feel about the behaviour itself. Either of those things should set off alarm bells and parents should be able to find help at school, through their GP, or the eSafety commission.
Your book combines academic research with practical advice. How did you balance rigorous evidence with accessible, real-world guidance for everyday families?
I needed to get the academic research and evidence clear in my head before I wrote the book, because I wanted to make very sure it was accurate and based on the most reliable information I could find. Then I did the interviews so I could get a solid grasp on what real world people were facing and how they talked about it. The book was mostly written from how I explained the research to people who didn’t have that research background. No one wants complicated language or lecturing, they just want understanding and support – and useful information not theoretical mumbo jumbo.
Finally, what is one key piece of advice you’d give to every adult who wants to be confident and compassionate in guiding the young people in their lives about consent?
You know how it feels to have someone tell you you’re doing it wrong or lecture you about being a better person. It only ever makes you feel resentful. So talk to kids the way you want people to talk to you. Ask questions. Be interested and non-judgmental about the answers. Talk to them about the kind of person they want to be and the relationships they want to have. Tell them what you did when you were there age to work that out and don’t leave out the mistakes you made and what your learned from them. Ask them about mistakes they made and help them understand that mistakes don’t make them shameful or unlovable people. Most of us feel insecure, lonely, isolated or misunderstood at some point but kids often think they’re the only ones who feel like that. Knowing they’re not alone can be very powerful.
It Takes A Village To Teach Your Children About Consent is available to purchase direct from the author here
