Words by Sally Melington
Caring for my aging parent has always felt like a noble responsibility and I was grateful to have the opportunity to do so. But I quickly realised that the task came with challenges I hadn’t fully anticipated. The time, energy, and emotional labor it demands can leave me as an only child drained, and if I’m not careful, it starts to take a toll on my own mental and emotional well-being.
I remember the moment it all hit me—I was standing in the kitchen, trying to help my mum with her medications while answering emails, juggling laundry, and keeping an eye on my own kids, when I suddenly felt completely hollow. My mind was buzzing, my body exhausted, and I realised I hadn’t eaten all day or even paused to breathe.
I had to learn the importance of looking after myself as well as my family. After all, as the old saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. No matter how much I wanted to do everything for my mum and dad, I had to accept that it wasn’t realistic—or even possible. I had my own life, my own responsibilities, and the truth is, I didn’t always have all the tools or resources to do it all perfectly.
After many a trail and error, I found what worked for me. It might not work for everyone, but I want to share a few of these approaches, in case they help others.
Meet My Essentials
For so long, I gave almost all my time and energy to my family and aging parents, often overlooking my own basic needs. I fell into the trap of thinking that as long as I was doing everything for them, I was doing the right thing. But I learned that the best way to care for them was to care for myself too. Exercising, eating healthy meals, and making time for the things that make me happy was put at the top of the list. Doing this makes me strong enough to offer as much as possible without feeling resentful about the impact it has on my own life. And I remind myself that my parents, who worked hard to give me a good life, would want me to be fully happy too.
Talk Openly
I’ve learned that a lot of the misery I caused myself came from constantly wishing I could do more, more, more, more. But I started to realise that my view of “enough” wasn’t always what my parents wanted or needed. In fact, they were often completely happy with what I was already doing.
Having honest conversations with them about what they truly want, need, and expect has been such a relief. I try to create a space where they feel safe to share their thoughts and feelings because I know some older people downplay their struggles as they don’t want to be a burden. Once I made it clear that it’s okay to be honest, it gave both of us peace of mind and made caring for them feel more manageable.
Accept Help
Even when I wanted to do more, I had to face the reality that it wasn’t always possible. With my own family, work, and hobbies, there’s only so much time and energy I can dedicate to my parents.
Carrying the feeling that my parents might need more help than I can give was exhausting, so I started looking for ways to share the load. I explored home care services that could provide them with personalised, professional support, which gave me peace of mind knowing they were being cared for by trained experts. I also coordinated with my siblings so that we could all contribute, even in small ways, to their well-being.
Over time, I also learned to accept offers of help from friends, neighbours, and others outside the family. Whether it was checking in or driving my parents to an appointment, letting others step in not only lightened my load but also reassured my parents that they weren’t solely dependent on me. Accepting help didn’t feel like failing—it felt like creating a safety net for all of us.
Know My Limits
I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I can’t do it all. There are times when I simply can’t be there for my parents, or when I’m too exhausted to take on anything extra. Part of taking care of myself has been recognising when I’m not in a position to give more and learning to be okay with that. I used to feel guilty every time I had to say no, but I’ve realised that the guilt doesn’t change anything. All it does is stop me from truly resting and recovering, which is exactly what I need in order to be able to care for them at all.
Managing Stress
Investing time in de-stressing activities has made a huge difference in how I cope. Things like yoga, meditation, breathwork, or even just going for a walk help me keep my stress levels in check and make me feel more grounded. Taking these moments for myself isn’t indulgent—it’s essential for me to stay present and patient as a caregiver.
Looking back, I’ve learned that caring for my parents isn’t just about giving—it’s about balance. I can show up for them fully only when I’m looking after myself too, when I know my limits, accept help, manage my stress, and keep open lines of honest communication. It’s not always easy, and I still have moments of doubt or exhaustion, but taking care of myself alongside them has made this journey more sustainable, more meaningful, and ultimately more loving—for both me and my parents.
