Words by Justine Vallata
The other day, my sister-in-law said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“Why do you need to masturbate? You have a husband.”
She didn’t say it in a cruel way. There was no judgement. She was just… genuinely confused.
And that confusion got me thinking. For a woman of a similar age to me to feel that way says a lot about how we still think about women’s pleasure – especially once a woman is partnered.
After sitting with the comment for a few days, I realised I wanted to clear something up once and for all: having a partner and enjoying self-pleasure are not in conflict. They’re not competing. And one does not replace the other.
In fact, in my opinion, they’re almost entirely separate experiences.
Masturbation Is About Me, Not What’s Missing
One of the biggest myths around self-pleasure is that it exists because something else is lacking.
The assumption is still that a woman is:
- Not having enough sex
- Not having the right kind of sex
- Not having sex with the right partner (or any partner at all)
But for most women, and certainly for me, masturbation has nothing to do with dissatisfaction and everything to do with self-connection.
For me, masturbation is about:
- How my body feels on a particular day
- What I want in that moment
- Not feeling like I need to perform
- Enjoying no expectations and no compromise
You can be deeply in love, wildly attracted to your partner, and having great sex (all of which I’m fortunate enough to experience)… and still want time alone with yourself.
That’s not a relationship failure. It’s a healthy relationship with your body.
Partnered Sex and Solo Pleasure Serve Different Purposes
Sex with a partner is layered. It’s intimacy, connection, communication and energy exchange. But it also relies on timing, moods, logistics… and sometimes compromise.
Self-pleasure is different. It has a simplicity to it, and that’s what I love most.
Solo masturbation is:
- Fast or slow, it’s entirely my choice
- Focused on sensation, not outcome
- A way to check in with my body without external input
- Private and non-performative
Neither partnered intimacy nor solo pleasure is “better” than the other, they just meet different needs.
I like to think of it like after-dinner treats. You don’t eat something sweet or salty because dinner was bad. You eat it because sometimes you want something in addition… something that’s also delicious and satisfying.
Masturbation Can Make Partnered Sex Better (Not Worse)
Here’s the part I think often gets overlooked: women who masturbate regularly tend to know their bodies better.
Through self-pleasure, I know:
- What feels good
- What doesn’t
- What kind of stimulation I enjoy
- How long I need
I take that knowledge with me into partnered sex, and I genuinely believe it enhances the experience for both me and my husband.
Self-pleasure builds confidence, body literacy and communication. These are all things that improve intimacy rather than threaten it.
I’m Allowed Pleasure That Doesn’t Involve Anyone Else
There’s a strange belief that once you’re in a relationship, all pleasure should be shared. As if desire becomes communal property and time alone with your body should be spent doing something else.
But autonomy doesn’t disappear when you commit to someone.
My body is still mine.
My pleasure is still mine.
Wanting time alone with my body isn’t secretive or selfish. I see it as self-respecting.
And it doesn’t mean my partner isn’t enough.
It means he is enough. And so am I.
Masturbation Isn’t a Substitute for Intimacy
This is worth saying clearly: self-pleasure doesn’t replace emotional or physical intimacy with a partner.
My vibrator doesn’t cuddle me back.
My sex toys don’t talk or banter with me.
And I’ve never seen my favourite rabbit help build a life with me.
But masturbation, and the toys I use offer a different kind of nourishment. One that exists alongside love, not instead of it.
So… Why Do I “Need” to Masturbate?
I don’t need to.
I get to.
I masturbate even though I’m in a committed relationship because:
- It feels good
- It helps me relax
- It connects me to myself
- It’s fun, and I enjoy it
And honestly? That’s reason enough.
If we stopped framing women’s pleasure as something that needs to be justified to a partner, a relationship, or society, we’d all breathe a little easier.
Masturbation isn’t a reflection of what I don’t have.
It’s a celebration of what I do.
My body.
My desire.
My pleasure.
All still mine, no matter my relationship status.
