Words by Bella Davis
The lights are dim. I demanded they be that way. I’m lying there on top of the white sheets. Naked. Vulnerable. Much heavier and undeniably softer than I used to be.
I used to enjoy being intimate with my partner, but lately, my weight gain and the thought of new dimples emerging on my thighs has been the only thing consuming my mind. He lovingly kisses my neck. I’m unable to bask in the joy of sexual pleasure as my mind is fixated on how my body looks. My body is different to the one he held when we first started dating, different to the body he first touched, caressed, and made love to. This body is laced with extra rolls, dimples, skin folds, stretch marks and softness. It is rounder. Curvier. Softer. This body he now touches must feel different to him. Mustn’t it? His hands move to my stomach, sending shivers up my spine, I stop breathing and begin to suck it. Hoping to make my soft belly somewhat disappear. As his hands continue to move south endless thoughts, I angle my body to minimise my back rolls and as I do endless thoughts begin to flood my mind.
“How do I make myself look more attractive?”.
“Does my body feel softer to him? Heavier?”.
“Does he notice I’ve gained weight?”.
“Do I still turn him on?”.
These thoughts consume my mind so much that they pull me out of the heat of the moment and convince me that because I’d gained weight, I’m not worthy of being held, seen, touched, embraced or pleasured. A tear rolls down my cheek and I pull my partner’s hand away from my thighs and grab hold of the quilt wrapping it around myself to hide my saggy boobs and cellulite-covered legs. I proceed to walk out of the bedroom backwards, head down avoiding eye contact and minimising my partner’s chances of him seeing the dimples that cover my thighs. I pull open the bathroom door and once I know I’m alone a waterfall of tears escapes my eyes.
I wanted so desperately to be touched. To feel his embrace and allow myself to be pleasured. I knew he wanted this as well, but my insecurities prevented me from allowing him to touch me. From allowing myself the joy of being held and being seen exactly as I am.
As I grabbed hold of the sink, I realised that I had allowed the way I felt about my body to dictate my self-worth and stop me from experiencing intimacy. I had projected my own insecurities onto my partner and by doing so convinced myself that my body changes make me less deserving of being touched.
Over the last few months, I had desperately tried to conceal my body from my partner by changing in another room, angling my body in uncomfortable positions when physically intimate and often pretending I was too tired to be intimate when in reality I was scared for him to see me naked. What I realised is that despite my efforts of trying to conceal my body my partner knew what my body looked like and his attraction towards me hadn’t changed. As I stared at my reflection in the mirror Taylor Swift’s lyrics rang clear in my mind “I’m the problem, it’s me”. I realised that it’s not my body that needs to change, it’s my mindset. I had to remind myself that my weight gain doesn’t make me any less deserving of joyful intimacy because all bodies regardless of their weight, shape or size are worthy of intimacy in all forms.
I had to recognise that it’s okay to gain weight and that it’s normal for my body to change because only then would I accept that I am worthy of being held and touched exactly as I am and so are you.
If you’ve ever experienced similar feelings or thoughts, trust that I know how hard it can be to enjoy sex or any form of intimacy when we are fixated on how our body looks or struggling to navigate body changes.
That is why I wanted to share tips and reminders on how you can push against these insecurities when being intimate
You aren’t any less deserving of intimacy because your body has changed.
You have not let yourself go because your body has changed. You have not failed yourself or an intimate partner because your body is softer or rounder than it used to be. Your body will change throughout every stage of your life. It will grow, morph, and constantly evolve. To believe you must stay unchanged is to be at war with reality and ultimately sets you up for a world of hurt.
The body you live in now is not any less deserving of joyful moments of intimacy because it is rounder than it once was. It is not any less worthy of being held, seen, or loved exactly as it is. You aren’t any less deserving of intimacy because your body has changed. So let them hold you. Let them see you. Let them love you because every inch of you is so, so loveable.
Everybody is worthy of sexual experiences.
Regardless of your weight or size. Everybody deserves to be held, touched and pleasured and you don’t have to have a particular body to enjoy intimacy. You just have to look like you.
Sexual experiences are about how it feels, not about how your body looks aesthetically in the moment.
Try not to focus too much energy on how your body looks during intimate moments because that can pull you out of the heat of the moment and may make you struggle to connect with your partner. Instead of focusing on how your body looks aesthetically during intimacy, try and get in touch with your senses. Take a moment to enjoy being touched, focus on how it feels to be held and caressed. Spend some time connecting to the person you are with both physically and mentally.
The focus should be on connection, pleasure, and mutual satisfaction rather than on how bodies look. Connecting, feeling good and being present in the moment is what truly matters.
Get to know your naked body.
Spend time with it.
Take time to examine every line, fold and scar that calls your body home. Instead of facing away from the mirror, I urge you to greet it. Run your hands along every lump, stretch mark and roll.
Explore your body, marvel at the beauty within every crease, fold and dimple. Notice how each stretch marks resembles a lightning bolt, and each dimple is similar to the ripples in the ocean. Examine how the
rolls on your stomach look like sand dunes and the hairs on your legs bare a similarity to blades of grass. From here you’ll see that your nakedness is nothing to fear.
Feeling insecure about your body during intimacy happens. Regardless of the size of your body.
Even when I was in a smaller body, I struggled with confidence during intimacy. I often felt pressure to be more vocal or adventurous in the bedroom, which led to performance anxiety. I mistakenly believed that sex should resemble what is depicted in adult entertainment, which was far from reality.
What helped me overcome this anxiety was having open and honest conversations with my partner about my struggles and feelings. Discussing sex and intimacy openly can strengthen your connection and help your partner understand what you’re experiencing.
Additionally, I realised that the portrayals in adult entertainment are not accurate representations of real intimacy. Those videos feature actors performing scripted scenarios, not genuine, spontaneous moments. Real intimacy can be beautiful, passionate, and enjoyable, but it can also be sweaty, quiet, and occasionally awkward, especially when trying new things. This is completely normal and nothing to feel insecure about.
Don’t let your body insecurities stop you from enjoying intimate moments. You deserve affection. We all do.
For support with eating disorders or body image concerns, call Butterfly’s National Helpline on 1800 ED HOPE (1800 33 4673), chat online or email support@butterfly.org.au, 7 days a week, 8am-midnight (AEDT).
