Writing by Mayzie // photo by Charlotte Clyne
You’re finished university! Finally! And now, here you are, finally about to move countries and get out into the world.
You’ve packed a silly vintage suitcase you bought from that shop on Papanui Road with a strap missing. We both know you should have got one with wheels. But, you are stubborn. That will come in handy.
You got through your eating disorder (mostly) unscathed. You are healthy! You have nice friends! Hope for the future! Little things in your relationship have started to get prickly, but don’t worry too much about that now. You’ve got a boyfriend! He thinks you are ok. You think he’s the one.
Melbourne is going to be the best and worst experience of your life. You will finally find others that think the way you do. You will feel less like an alien. You will go to wild parties, on benders and to raves and to shows and you will taste life at 6am when the sun is rising, and the moon is setting, and you’ll have people around that want to taste it as badly as you. That will be good for a while. Enjoy it. You’ll remember it forever.
You will smoke too many cigarettes. Even though you don’t like them, and they make your head feel dizzy. You’ll keep smoking because it feels familiar. It makes you feel a bit closer to your mum. Smoking is bad for your health, but it has a purpose for a little while. It’s ok, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll figure it out.
The drinking though, another story. It will start out so innocently you won’t even notice. The alcohol will help you become someone that fits in better. You will feel more fun! More normal! More exciting! Less intense! It will start to feel better being drunk than being sober, because people don’t get excited about you when you are sober. And you’ll try to stop, and you’ll try again, and it will work for a bit but then you’ll start again, and on it will go, over and over. Grit your teeth girl. It’ll mess you up heaps. Rip you to shreds and send you through one of those chicken nugget machines. But then, one day the stopping will stick. And piece by piece you will rebuild yourself, and things will get heaps better.
Ohhhh and you’ll have an abortion, and yep it will be scary. But it won’t be as scary as you think. The procedure will go perfectly, and you will wake up and sit on some leather chairs in front of a fire and eat a couple of those two-packs of Arnott’s biscuits and then you will go home and get a sandwich. You’ll feel a little relieved.
Look, nothing is going to go the way you think it’s going to. Honestly, it’s going to be a bit fucked for a while, or for ages. But baby Mayzie, you don’t even understand how strong you are yet. You will surprise even yourself with what you are capable of. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s going to be ok. I love you. Please try to love yourself.
PS you have ADHD lol