Writing by Amy Hetherington
I was given a lot of advice about having a baby. Most of it unsolicited. When I gave birth to my little girl Ruby, I received a message on social media saying I wouldn’t be able to tour comedy anymore cos I won’t be able to handle it with a baby.
Turns out my love language is spite and in the 18 months my bub has been earth side, I have been to every state and territory in Australia with her on my hip. A bit of a fuck you to people who don’t support new parents.
I’m currently touring Australia with my toddler but wanted to take a moment to share the three things they DON’T tell you about motherhood.
The best thing to feed your baby is whatever is on your plate
My bubba can be a fussy eater, but the moment I look like I’m enjoying something on my plate, she’s 100% committed to having it. I thought I’d be teaching my daughter how to share, but really, it’s me who’s had to learn. And she’s so sneaky about it too, she’ll come over for a cuddle and then with her sneaky chubby bubba fingers grab food off my plate. Turns out my baby’s love language is snacks.
If you’re running late for something, it’s guaranteed your baby will poop
I’m not one for “mum hacks” but one trick I have is if your baby is constipated, dress them in their most expensive outfit and be late for something. Always seems to loosen my bub up. I used to judge my parent friends for being late, now I’m a mum I just want to give parents a standing ovation for getting out of the house at all!
You’ll be the fittest you’ve ever been chasing after a toddler all day
Don’t worry about getting your baby body back… once your baby starts walking, you’ll never sit again! You’ll do so many steps your smart watch will need a holiday. Toddlers are a bit like your Dad’s reading glasses, they’re never where you left them. I’ll never judge a mum in activewear, she is prepared for the chase!