Words by Merpire // Photography by Rick Clifford
As I write this, I’m getting flashes of my most intense romantic daydreams: just me and my discman trying to navigate new feelings in a prepubescent life. But, before we begin, let’s call it a discwoman (DW) for obvious reasons.
If at 13 I had reached my demise the same way the dinosaurs did, millions of years later you would find me perfectly preserved in the fetal position – DW pressed firmly into my right hand, clutched to my chest, eyes closed and my headphones – like the ones you’re given on long-distance flights – absorbed by my ears. You see, once DW entered my life I discovered a new power – a sense of control. No longer did I have to suffer through Classic FM on long family road trips up the New South Wales coastline with no air-con at an age when the only classics I cared about were a type of Magnum ice cream. With DW, I could choose whatever music I wanted to hear and only I would know how many times I repeated certain songs to pull up different scenes about whoever I was crushing on at the time.
It was my world and my family were just the supporting cast.
“What are some songs you had on repeat to think about crushes to?”, I hear you ask. Thanks to the ‘So Fresh’, ‘100% Hits’ and ‘TV Hits’ compilation CDs of the early 2000’s, I was exposed to what I thought at the time was a wide variety of genres of songs about love and lust to help me work through my newfound feelings. ‘Honey To The Bee’ by Billie Piper was one of the first. Reading back on the lyrics just now, I can see why –
‘I close my eyes and I see you clear
It feels like you’re lying here
All things I want to say come and go
Easy as the breeze the words just flow’
Billie! You totally got me! Another that sticks out is a The Who cover by Limp Bizkit called ‘Behind Blue Eyes’. If I’d known at the time it was a cover by a “classic band” maybe things would’ve gone differently but I would play it on repeat until the moments in the scene I had dreamed up could be time-stamped. It wasn’t about the lyrics with this song, it was the dark, sexy mood of it.
My most used scene in my early teens took place at a beach on a balmy evening at magic hour. Crush and I would be standing in the warm, foamy ocean, waist deep, realising we could no longer hide our feelings. We’d just hold each other’s gaze and hands until the climax of the song kicked in. Then we’d make out. There was definitely a time when I didn’t know what making out was like so I’d have to really concentrate on that part and think about what I’d seen in the movies.
While it nearly tortured me at the time, I now thank my first, mostly unrequited 7-year crush (from 10 to 17 years old) for training me to be the expert movie scene-builder I am today. Daydreaming plays a huge role in my songwriting. On my new song, ‘Premonition’, I’ve tapped back into crushes past, pinpointing the most desperate, secretive moments to mould into lyrics and music. I’d say the woozy, head-spinning guitar solo in ‘Premonition’ is when you finally get to kiss your crush. I’d love someone to listen to ‘Premonition’ and be compelled to dream up their own scenes. Hey, maybe it could be the theme for a climactic moment in an actual movie one day.
I heard somewhere recently that you often don’t remember the last time you have or do something because at the time, you don’t know it’s going to be your last. I don’t remember the last time I had DW, my discwoman with me, let alone the last CD she spun so effortlessly for me. I can assume a lethal combination of capitalism and schoolyard tech popularity had something to do with it.
It wasn’t until I borrowed a discwoman for the video clip for my song ‘Dinosaur’ a few years back that I remembered the power it held. It felt like the first time all over again. The tactile experience of pressing the open button that flung the cover up, choosing a CD from my plastic bubble lava case, holding it by the centre hole and edges so as not to risk a scratch that would lead to skips in my carefully curated scenes. The satisfaction of hearing and feeling the CD click into place, closing the lid, headphones on, hitting play and sinking in. Though frustrating at the time I even missed the fizzing sound DW would make, having to recalibrate when the CD had indeed suffered a scratch. And of course, the joy in getting to play that movie scene just one more time before the next stop on the road.
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Merpire is launching Premonition this April 3rd at the Tote – tickets here!
You can stream her music below!
