Writing by Romi Endelmanis // Photo by Julie Young
You are a beast. Only you could attack one so, sliding your claws out and into the barely awake mind, sending forth all manner of ideas. Novel, poetic, and sometimes ridiculous, forgetting all those times you were called and waited on. Those times you know (because really I haven’t forgotten at all) when you just didn’t appear? Simply couldn’t get away?
Only you could I forgive, for those hours of sleeplessness and distraction at the most inconvenient of moments. Maybe that’s why you do it. You already know that no one would hold it against you. You’re too delightful when you’re good, and too intriguing when you’re less-than-available and no-I-won’t-let-it-go-that-easily.
But please. Maybe not just as I’m falling asleep?
I’ve spoken to Imagination. I wouldn’t feel too confident though, you know how they are.
I’m… sorry you flickered for a while. Things got a bit hard, didn’t they? But it’s nice to see you again and have something solid to focus on, both for the future and during the night.
For something so cloudy, you offer excellent support.
Although occasionally you are completely bizarre.
I don’t really understand you, but I’m trying. That’s the only way really, isn’t it? I mean, that’s how you’re so good at what you do, right? You know me. You know exactly how to catch me off guard.
I preferred you when you only cared about inane things. But like I said: I’m trying to understand you and find ways for you to stop understanding me.
Dear Hope (aka my darling),
It will be alright. We will be alright. I will keep going when you flicker and I will hold you tight when you return. It’s okay if sometimes you’re harder to see.
I know I can get by during those times.
But… when you are here just know how important you are. How I see you in everything and am reminded of so much. You are in sunsets, clouds, flowers and projects, lasagna and stories, rivers and walks. I see you everywhere I go. It reminds me that I’ll never really lose you, not even when things get hard.
I am completely in love with you, and am so glad you’re back.
Thank you. With all my heart.
I wouldn’t be without you. You can be brutal and hard to understand. Lately you’ve been coming out of nowhere and knocking me flat. If I could, I might change certain things about you, like the way you linger no matter what I do. But I would never lose you entirely. Because there are also the times I cry with laughter, or because a book is so beautiful, or when I listen to Billy Joel. When I just need to cry and realise that it’s okay.
You’re too important, too much a part of who I am to ever forego. I’m beginning to understand that you aren’t a weakness at all. You are an enormous part of what makes me strong.
Dear Past, Present, and Future,
You have done, are doing, and will do so well.
You are full of things I remember and things I don’t, things I wish I did and things I wish I did not. Of course you weren’t all good, and maybe you won’t be – but there is so much goodness. So much happiness, hope, imagination, sadness, fear and so many dreams.
So much possibility. It’s exciting, and I am happy for it.
I might write letters to other people and things, but never letters to myself. Though… perhaps we deserve a note every now and then, as a reminder that we’ve come so far and can do so much. For the times we know it and the times it doesn’t feel like the truth at all.
So here it is: a reminder that you are important. You have done so much. You have made it so far. You learnt about yourself in ways you might not have comprehended needing to, and you broke the surface.
And that, everything you have achieved and everything you will achieve, is worth everything.