My Brother

Writing by Alyssa M. Winchester

In the recollection of time

You are the earliest of mine

 

Our memories were meant to stay

They had to stay, they had no say

understood you would have to go away someday

How could the winds of change ever think about blowing them away?

Not a single second-hour-day

 

I know you and the love you have for me 

You must have made them promise

You made our memories swear to never leave my life until the end of time

 

We’ve been bonded at birth and none can compare

I have a side of your ribcage and you have mine

 

I wish you would have let me take your heartbreak & throw it like a stone in the water

Remember when we skipped rocks as kids?

You taught me everything I know

 

Remember when we sliced our hands with knives? We were fearless. 

We proudly smiled – held hands so tight 

We swore to never leave each other’s side – “blood brothers for life!” we said

God, I wish we could have stayed those kids 

The cruel reality around us 

The equation of life took over – it couldn’t be solved

I will eternally question why – you loved math

Knew the solution to every problem 

Each operator – the positive and negative variable too

 

Why didn’t we push pause on our VHS & stay in those days

God damn it, why?

 

Time did was it does 

What it will never stop doing 

Why is it so demanding, predictable, and demanding?

 

Being me, i still tried to intervene

The lights grew dim…

& your soul followed closely behind 

 

My eyes fill up with our times 

Until the tear shaped memories trickle down my cheeks

 

I feel you linger – probably to make sure I don’t waver

You whisper my name at night and no not in that cheesy way I know you hate

Then in my dreams, you replay our memories through your eyes 

You are forever in the forefront of my mind

But I still cry and cry and cry

I swear to god I can feel your hand on mine

How do I cope? 

You have to know – I know that you do

I can’t decode this math equation without you 

I always wanted to be just like you – I hope I make you proud 

Kyle Alan, I could never thank the Angels above for the 27 years I got to spend with you – although it is not enough for me – it never will be enough. Where did the last nearly three decades go? 

Thank you for protecting me.

Promise. Just promise me one thing?

Your spirit can’t ever leave my side. I can’t be on this planet without you.

You can’t forget it – remember? We are blood brothers for life, for eternity

If only we could be those kids & stay in those days forever 

Our human language is far too limited, saying I love you isn’t enough but you speak that eternal language now. I am certain you feel what I am trying to convey. We understood each other – my artsy spirit and your mathematical genius mind somehow had a way to intercommunicate without words 

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Alyssa M. Winchester

Alyssa M. Winchester is a traveling freelance writer, poet, and Integrative Healing Arts Practitioner. She a crochet designer and the founder of Little Bird Crochet Collective and curates handmade goods of all kinds. You can find her writing in Do You Endo, The Edge Magazine, For Women Who Roar, We are HER, Harness Magazine, and NUWLA. She is a Diaphramactic and abdominopelvic endometriosis survivor and very passionate about dismantling the system, veganism, sustainability, advocacy, and social justice. Instagram @littlebirdcrochetcollective

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