Words by Dr Brendan Daugherty // Photo by Bethany Beck
Something has shifted. In my practice, over 65 percent of ADHD assessments are now women. Most are in their thirties and forties. Most are mothers. And most say some version of the same thing: “I used to be able to hold it all together. Now I can’t”.
Social media has played a genuine role here, but what we’re seeing goes beyond a trend. Women who spent decades compensating, organising, masking, and white-knuckling their way through life are finally asking the question: what if this isn’t a character flaw?
ADHD affects roughly five percent of adults worldwide. For decades, the research and the clinical picture were built around hyperactive boys in classrooms. Girls who daydreamed, lost things, and worked twice as hard to keep up were rarely flagged. They became women who appeared capable on the outside while running on fumes internally.
Then motherhood arrives. The attentional demands of keeping small humans alive, fed, and on schedule are relentless. There’s no quiet period. No recovery window. And here’s what the “just share the load” conversation consistently misses: for women with undiagnosed ADHD, the problem isn’t that they need better systems or more support. It’s neurological. The executive function required to hold that many invisible threads simultaneously is precisely what the ADHD brain struggles with most, and no amount of redistributing tasks resolves the underlying deficit. For women with ADHD, particularly the inattentive subtype most common in women, motherhood is often the thing that finally drives them to seek help.
There’s another common path to diagnosis. A child gets assessed. The clinician asks about family history, childhood behaviour, school performance. And the mother sitting across the table thinks: that was me. That is still me. I just learned to hide it better. Both paths are valid. Both take courage. And here’s where I want to be direct: if something feels off, trust that instinct.
I see too many women second-guessing themselves. Wondering if they’re making it up, if they’re just tired, if they should be able to handle this. Some turn to self-diagnosis and stop there. Others avoid the medical system entirely, for reasons that often make sense given their history of being dismissed or preference for holistic care.
But self-diagnosis, while a reasonable starting point, only takes you so far. Many things mimic ADHD, like iron deficiency, thyroid dysfunction, and sleep apnoea. Depression and anxiety, which frequently coexist with ADHD, can independently impair attention. Context matters too: a person trying to maintain focus in a job that drains them, or a relationship that is slowly eroding their sense of self, may not be dealing with a neurodevelopmental condition at all. Sometimes the environment needs to change, not the person.
This is exactly why proper assessment matters. In my clinical practice, I see how often women arrive already knowing something is wrong, but they’ve just never had anyone look at the full picture: medical, psychological, developmental, and situational. A thorough assessment distinguishes ADHD from its many mimics. And it opens doors that self-diagnosis simply can’t.
Treatment extends well beyond medication. Stimulants help many people enormously, but the decision to use them is personal and should be made carefully, with proper clinical guidance. ADHD coaches, occupational therapists, psychologists with neurodevelopmental expertise, lifestyle modifications, and structural changes all make a real difference. The goal is to understand your brain and build a life that works with it.
And sometimes, after a good assessment, it turns out the answer isn’t ADHD. That information is still worth having. It might mean the real issue is burnout, or grief, or a life that has drifted away from anything that actually interests you. Inattention is a symptom with many causes, and the act of investigating it can itself be the beginning of something important. Not every restless mind needs a diagnosis. Some need permission to pursue something worth paying attention to. If that’s you, don’t wait for certainty before seeking help. Trust what you notice and get assessed. And most importantly, let someone help you figure out what comes next.
