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Writing by Andy Reyes // illustration by Freya Bennett

CW: violence, rape and drug use


April 2017:

He has abused me. I have a lot of pain and I have a little bleeding.

I wrote this note when I was coming home after the abuse.

It has been three years since then and I have always kept it secret because I am  afraid and I feel shame but especially because I thought it was my fault.

Even though I’ve tried to forget it, I always have in my mind the window I looked at when I couldn’t do anything.

I was dating him and hadn’t seen him in a few weeks, so I told him that we could meet on a Thursday morning, he had been drinking and took drugs the night before.

When we went up to the room he told me that he had consumed a lot of cocaine and that he was not feeling well, we tried to sleep a little but he woke up and started to be violent, saying to me that he would throw my phone on the floor.

He wanted to have sex but I didn’t feel safe with him, I told him to stop and that he was hurting me, but he never stopped… He told me that it had been my choice to be with him and that I had to put up with whatever he wanted to do to me, I couldn’t move…

He held me down the whole time, I couldn’t get up.

The pain I felt was horrible, I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry, I didn’t do anything, I just looked at the window with the white curtains.

The following weeks were a nightmare, I kept thinking that he would call to apologize, but that call never came. I had to go to the gynecologist to find out what was going on after I was abused, I had some medical tests to rule out any damage, but the damage was already there.

I stopped looking at myself in the mirror.

How would I explain to my parents what happened to me? How could I see their faces after this? Would they still love me?

Although I tried to tell some friends what happened, each one of them told me that I was exaggerating so I decided that I would be the guilty one and he would be the one who was right.

I started going to therapy and found some comfort in each session, but the pain and questions were still there.

I have written about him several times, recreating the moment when everything happened, because through my writing, I can change things, I know that we were together and then everything broke.

It’s the first time I’ve talked about this and it’s been so hard because sometimes I think it’s my fault. I’m still trying to understand many things, like the fact that I had Stockholm syndrome and how difficult that made the process.

I was soothed by reminding myself that it was a hard and slow process and with time everything things got better. Today it doesn’t hurt as much. I found a support group that helps women who have been abused too and I am learning to love and forgive myself and to find my voice again.

Andy Reyes

Andy Reyes (she/her) is a Mexican writer, columnist, and poet. She is a feminist – the women she admires the most are her grandmother and mother. She is proudly Mexican and is interested in psychology and journalism – her favorite hobbies are knitting vests, reading, and making pancakes.

Andie started writing when she was seven years old, with the purpose to understand why she suffered from school bullying, she created a narrative about her experiences at school from the perspective of animals, that is where she fell in love with writing.

Andie likes sunsets, cuddling her cat Mushu and her little dog named Coco.

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