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Writing by Romi Endelmanis // Photograph by Joana Meneses

Writing by Romi Endelmanis // Photograph by Joana Meneses

A list:

1. You tell me that you love me and I can’t afford to hear it.

2. You want to help me more than you want to love me.

3. I am a storm. My heart is a typhoon and it will wreck you. My mouth is a weapon and it will

bruise you. My hands won’t be able to let you go, and my head won’t let me hold on.

4. I don’t know myself well enough to know you, and that matters. Of course it does.

5. I am afraid. I’m not ready. I need you so much it can only pull us apart, and I don’t think I’m

strong enough to watch that happen.


Another list:

5. I think she’s afraid, but I ask and she only laughs, says of course she is, what isn’t there to be

afraid of? and I think: me.

4. I want to learn who we are, together. I want us to be the start, and everything else to go from

there, because when I’m with her I don’t about anything but her. Nothing else seems important.

3. I’ve never loved before. I’ve tried to, wanted to, but I don’t think anyone else could make me

feel like this. Can’t she see? I love every part of her. Her head. Her hands. Her mouth. Her heart.

2. I know what she thinks, but it’s not true. I love her, and I want her to be able to love herself, too,

and I think I might be able to help her learn how.

1. I love her. That is everything.


‘I love you.’ Eyes wide, desperate.

‘People use those words all the time, but they don’t know-’

‘Don’t say that. I know how I feel.’

A smile, soft and sad. ‘Fine. You don’t know me, though, and how can you love someone you don’t

really know?’ She’s afraid. Afraid of what the other girl will say and of what she herself feels;

afraid of what she wants and can’t have. She won’t say it, not now, but she loves this girl, too. It’s


‘I feel it.’ The other girl holds out her hand, eyes begging and maybe knowing how it will end. But

still she holds out her hand. ‘Don’t you?’

And now they are both afraid. Afraid of what they will say and what they will hear. Afraid of the

way this will end.

A silence too long stretches out, and then, ‘Maybe. But I don’t know how to love myself.’ She is

asking herself a question, this time, a question of How can I love you if I don’t love myself yet? and

she doesn’t know where to find the answer.

‘I’ll teach you – take care of you.’

‘You can’t teach me.’ She shakes her head, knowing that’s not what I need.

‘But I-’

‘I know.’ A swallow, thick and painful, fills the still air. ‘But I don’t want to be like this, always

afraid. We both deserve more than that.’

They know it, even as it hurts them.

Joana Meneses

Joana is from Portugal and was born in a cold and grey day of December in 1994. She’s passionate about life and every little thing that is a part of it. Joana is an amateur photographer and thinks everything in life is art. That’s why she loves photography: because she is able to freeze something that she enjoys to watch, or a moment. Lately photography has been like a therapy for Joana and she’s currently doing a 365 photography project. She loves photography in general but her favorite type is definitely portraiture. Follow her on Flickr and Instagram.

Romi Endelmanis

Romi is a writer and lover of animals (especially her baby-dog Kasta). She lives in Tasmania and sometimes forgets to put pen to paper for long minutes because the wind dancing through the trees can become too beautiful to ignore. When she isn’t writing, Romi likes to curate her bookshelves, take her dog for walks, and make things out of watch parts. You can find her on Instagram (@wheretheromi & @wherethecollage) where, even if she is private, she enjoys letting people into her world.

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