Good Relationships: If attachment is not enough, what makes a good relationship?

Learning to differentiate between good and bad relationships is helpful, because if we can’t understand the markers or signs of a more problematic relationship then we won’t be able to identify them and protect ourselves. I should say at the outset that this doesn’t place the onus for protecting oneself onto victims of domestic and family violence — there are a range of complex reasons that people enter relationships like this and stay in them, and the onus should always be on the perpetrators to stop causing harm. However, I see the identification of poor relationships as analogous to a seatbelt. If the world worked in an ideal manner, and everyone drove respectfully, and obeyed the road rules, and had perfect decision-making, we would likely have no need for seatbelts, as we wouldn’t crash. Nevertheless, we must account for accidents, bad drivers, and drunk drivers, and so we wear seatbelts, even though we don’t expect or want to have accidents, and it likely won’t be our fault if we do. By wearing a seatbelt, we are not accepting blame, responsibility, or bad driving by others — we are simply adding another layer of protection.

All good relationships need certain qualities from both partners,

which include:

• a general assumption of equality
• assertive communication (‘this is how I feel’)
• respect
• being able to name and manage emotions
• active listening and negotiation
• conflict resolution skills
• being able to place another’s needs above one’s own at times
• accepting ‘no’ with grace
• vulnerability
• self-regulation skills (e.g., delayed gratification, tolerating

frustration).

These are all essential skills for healthy relationships, but they are skills many adults don’t possess, and which many don’t even see as essential for men to develop. People who don’t have these skills can’t pass them on to their children, especially if they also hold outdated views like ‘boys will be boys’.

Green flags of safe relationships might look like:

• Your partner asks you questions about yourself and seems genuinely interested.
• Your partner asks about your sexual boundaries and respects them.
• Your partner takes your preferences into account when planning dates.
• Your partner understands and encourages your need to spend time alone or with friends.
• Your partner is supportive of your work.
• You have an equal say in decisions that affect you.
• You have some shared values.
• You are able to talk about big issues like money and sex, as well as smaller issues like cleaning rosters.
• You can — or you’re willing to learn to — explore conflict without getting defensive.
• You can have fun and laugh together.
• The relationship is supportive, and without malice or competition.
• You feel like you are a team.
• You feel comfortable saying no or providing feedback.

Like any other relationship, a good intimate relationship is characterised by mutual interest, some similarities in personality and interests, kindness, respect, and shared goals. Romantic/passionate love is the glue that keeps the relationship together — at least at first — though it often moves into a more settled, companionate form of love as people age and form intertwined lives.

Sexual connection and compatibility are important at the earlier stages of a relationship, but again, will often fade with time, though this is by no means inevitable. While societal norms dictate that a couple should remain madly in love with each other and maintain passion for the duration of their lifespan, this is impossible for many. We have long lifespans now, and maintaining passion and interest over 40, 50, or even 60 years is difficult, especially as people build families and share lives, retaining little mystery for each other. Our cultural assumption that passion and deep romantic love are the defining features of intimate relationships is the problem; the natural changes in passion that occur as people age are just that: perfectly natural. Of course, there are some couples who can maintain a romantic and sexual connection over decades, but this is not the norm. Many happy couples move into a space of reduced or no sexual connection but maintain a close connection because there are other anchor points tying them to each other (e.g., children, shared hobbies, shared friends).

It might be more adaptive to start approaching relationships from the position of expecting there to be fluctuations in passion and romantic love, and preparing for this from the outset by ensuring that the relationship has the other qualities needed to withstand the difficulties it will experience. Despite this, sex is often central to an intimate bond, and physical closeness can be maintained through the changes in life, but it takes effort, acceptance, learning about differences in sexual styles, and open communication. Maintaining sexual closeness is a task to be worked at, not a magical process.

Many couples falter when the natural high and chemistry of their early relationship disappears because they’ve never learnt to talk about sex and closeness in the relationship.

There are many myths about what makes a good relationship, and opposites attract is one, though it is true for some, especially when we consider schema chemistry. Attraction is not analogous to a good, healthy relationship with the potential to go a significant distance, though. Another myth is that partners must be similar and share everything or be carbon copies of each other. This isn’t necessary for most, and having separate spheres of activity allows partners to balance separation and closeness and to keep the relationship fresh. And yet another myth is that relationships need to last forever to be successful.

While this may have been possible when we lived until the age of 40 and married solely for security, it’s going to be harder for a modern relationship to last, given our vastly increased lifespans and the more complex needs we have. Instead of relying solely on the longevity of relationships, we need other markers of success — such as whether we grew together, made each other happy, raised healthy children, or transacted the end of a relationship kindly and without rancour. Good relationships also provide safety, both physical and emotional. One of the key advantages of being in a relationship is having someone else to do life with, or a sense that you can approach the world as a team, with someone else who you know (or hope) will be on your side. As the world grows in complexity, conflict, and perceived danger, the need to feel safe in one’s connections will likely take on greater importance. Partnering up ensures that someone else is around to provide essential support with child-rearing and household tasks, which is a necessity in our fractured and individualistic world. Very few of us have a village anymore, and most tasks that used to be done by extended families, neighbours, and those closest to us are now completed by co-parents and partners or outsourced for a fee.

People also partner up because they want to replicate early childhood experiences of being truly seen and cared for by another, and to feel safe as a result. This is a core need regardless of age, but it’s generally considered verboten to express this outside the bounds of a sexually intimate relationship. Intimate relationships are one of the few socially sanctioned ways of allowing and accessing tenderness and care in adulthood, especially for men. Relationships bring the benefit of social support, companionship, and belonging — we have a witness and a mirror as we transact life’s travails. In childhood we had our parents encouraging and cheering us along, and for many, their intimate partners in adulthood will take on this role.

For some people, relationships also allow self-development and growth. While it’s unlikely that people partner up simply to seek this, the process of sharing one’s life and space with another, and accommodating to their needs and desires, will inevitably introduce some accidental growth (e.g., being forced to learn conflict resolution skills because our partner absolutely does not know how to wash dishes the right way). Equally, as each person in a relationship grows, changes, and expands their perspective, they’ll often share these with their partner, and allow the couple and family unit to have new experiences and make changes.

I recognise that my language in this section is very couple focused. The monogamous couple remains the primary type of relational arrangement, which is why I use this language. However, there are many other valid forms of arrangement — throuples, polycules, primary and secondary partners, relationship anarchic arrangements, or other forms of set-up entirely. Regardless of the structure, every set of connections will require similar psychological competencies and skills, perhaps just with different emphases based on the needs of all the people in the arrangement. As an example, successful and happy non-monogamous arrangements usually require excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as clear negotiation of boundaries.

In general, we want our intimate partners to meet some core psychological needs. These involve security, attachment and being seen and witnessed, connection and care, sexuality, belonging, playfulness. The main positive qualities we need for an intimate relationship are the same qualities we need for any other form of healthy relationship, with a few additions — assertive communication skills, the capacity to compromise and negotiate, investment in each other and a shared future, genuine regard for the other’s wishes and needs, a desire to help and support each other, vulnerability, self-awareness, a knowledge of one’s own psyche and one’s flaws and defences, and the ability to be selfless at times and to grow with one’s partner. Each person will have different needs, and it’s important to recognise the inevitable differences in our wants and desires.